Being Ugly

I’m struggling. So many things are going so well in my life. I love everything. I have a new job, a new life, rad new side jobs, bikes, running, lifting, funtivities, sailing, the list goes on. I am working on new things all the time, projects, my fitness, my education, my professional experience…but there is one problem I have come across that I can’t seem to shake, that I have tried to solve, and have found no answer.

ACNE.

Early 20's...Looking Normal.

As a teen I never had acne; just the occasional zit. Whatever, no big deal. When I got to college same thing, I got some random breakouts from being a hardcore athlete that had to wear a filthy helmet all the time. I’ll trade a little of that for a successful athletic performance. I solved that with a little exfoliating. Boom, clear skin.

In my early 20’s same story. Had some breakouts during stressful times, or when I was in a funk and not exercising regularly. Nothing that didn’t solve itself. It was a sign that I needed to get off my ass. I appreciated the internal cue.

Last year I discovered Veganism. Well, I had known about it, but I did it. Some people have written about temporary drops in energy and other short term negative side effects from the changes…I had none. I immediately felt amazing! Instant stress reduction, instant gratification contributing to something I believed in.

When summer came I stocked up on sunscreen. I know I am white, really white. I know I burn; I have to protect myself. I researched the best vegan and cruelty free brands and picked up enough to cover an elephant.

Just before...Look, clear, smooth, even...

As summer carried on I began to get breakouts, high on my cheeks. They were different types than I had ever had, in places that I don’t usually get them. It was strange. I attributed it to my sun exposure and the facial sunscreen I had purchased which contained mineral oil…which I had discovered is the opposite of good for skin. In the first few months I thought it would solve itself after summer. That a few breakouts was nothing compared to cancer, and death etc…(a little dramatic, but whatever…)

It didn’t solve itself. I look fucking terrible. I have cystic pimples, my face is red, there is scarring. I call it my pimple beard. I have never thought I had the most attractive face; eyes close together, thin lips, funny hairline, but at least I had smooth, clear skin.

If you were wondering what I thought about acne, I think it makes you look dirty and as though you don’t take care of yourself. I shower twice a day, I use quality products, I have a balanced diet…there is hardly much more I can do like a regular human to control this.



I tried some special detox facials, every different kind of clarifying acne wash, exfoliating facials, scrubbing my face off, microderm abrasion, spot treatments, tea tree oil, astringents, lotions…and on and onnnnnnnnnnn…

So, none of that has worked…

This is what I am doing:



Trying to be soy free for 4 weeks, I have seen tons of stuff about common acne related allergies, soy, gluten…these are the 2 I am going to start with.

I am getting my face basically electrocuted bi-weekly

Going to see a naturopathic dermatologist

Using Arbonne products

Pretending I am not stressed out

Pretending I get enough sleep

Acting like it doesn’t bother me

Let me tell you how well the last three are going…(*FART NOISE*)

Anyway, I am at my wits end with this crap. I want answers. I truly hope the dermatologist will be able to help me discover the source of my issues.

“They” say that the cheeks are the digestive system, the chin/mouth is hormonal/stress…So apparently I am suffering from all of these. Something has to do with something I am eating. I pray and hope that it won’t be soy or gluten. I love both of them…the are so tasty, and no one wants to be the stupid fucking asshole soy free, gluten free, vegan…could you be more annoying??!?!?! I think not.

Well, that’s the one thing I feel like is going shitty in my life. The thing that is seemingly outside my control. It feels like the last hurdle to whatever is on the other side of the hurdles…I am sure you are tired of looking at my fucking disgusting face, even for just a few minutes...I've been staring at it for about 7 months...

I don’t know what else I have to say about it. I am sure something…but that’s the great part about this shit, I can edit and delete it as needed. Wallow in my self pity while its here.