Friday, July 27, 2012

Sweet Acquisitions

I bought a new wallet online! Time to trade up from my HOBO to something cruelty free and awesome. I googled around for a good alternative. I settled on the best wallet ever, from quite possibly the nicest, best company on earth!

I came across The Pokey Rose on, there were a number of items to choose from. Handmade wallets, purses and other accessories. I ordered it Monday and it was in my mailbox Thursday night! I paid a ridiculously low shipping cost, beat that FedEx.

Receiving this package is equal to getting one from your granny full of treats and a $50 bill! It was wrapped and had a lollipop in the note. I highly recommend buying from The Pokey Rose!

Log on to her shop with this link:

Buy something. She has 250+ positive reviews. Even if you don't need a wallet or purse interacting with an amazing human being (over the interwebz) like The Pokey Rose will make you happy!!

Here are a bunch of photos I took. It is made from canvas. It has a ton of space. It fits everything without being bulky. ALSO, the dollar bill holding area is larger than the size of bills, so the average human being can get the papers in and out without a bunch of struggle and crinkled ass corners. I need to say it again: I LOVE IT.

OOOOO I got a Package!!!

Freakin' wrapped with notes and treats?! What?!! BADASS

Closed and not Rotated...Too Excited to Care

Open and Empty

Open and full of my non-sense! It is perfect. Multiple cards fit in each slot too!

Combo Picture for Instagram Purposes...But it gives me the warm fuzzies.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

How to make your lunch look better than everyone else’s

I admit I eat gross crap that in no way contributes to my nutritional well being…but since I’m already up here on my high horse I might as well make good use of my time before someone knocks me off.

Food Covered in Goop Sauce...

Step One: Don’t eat fucking Lean Cuisines.

Don't Eat This Shit Either

Listen: zero things that were packaged months ago, stored in plastic in a freezer and microwaved for 7 minutes could possibly taste good. I realize it is probably really easy to walk into your local freezer aisle and scoop all that crap into your cart, grab one every morning and then watch it boil around noon when your stomach is getting pissed at you for having skipped breakfast, but come on.
You CANNOT look me in the eyes and tell me that a) it tastes good or b) that it is even remotely filling. Those things are tiny. OF COURSE it is only 300 calories, there are like 4 bites in that box. There is a reason 8 minutes after you are have tossed out the fancy plastic tray you are reaching for the candy  dish/vending machine/stale doughnut box for something to actually satisfy your hunger. (Not that any of those things will help.) 
 I’ll only mention this one time : they smell.

There also only seems to be one choice…”Food schmered with Goop Sauce.” This is NOT real food. It may say “LEAN” and “CUISINE” on the side, but look around your lunch hour and I can almost guarantee that 99% of the people eating these things are not lean. These are the women (dudes who eat this crap deserve to be considered female) who constantly complain that they “just have a light lunch” but can’t seem to shed the pregnancy weight from 15 years ago. Eating actual food and taking a jog around the block now and again will help. Frozen food like substances with huge marketing budgets will not.
The lesson here is: eat anything but one of these and your lunch will automatically look more appealing. (Healthy Choice is also not a healthy choice…Rename it “TERRIBLE OPTION” and it will be more accurate.)
Step Two: Bring food you made.

This Could Be You

I’ll admit I go through phases just like every Tom, Dick and Harry where I buy my lunch several days in one week, but…nope that is all, I admit it. I often see people in the elevators coming back from a trip to the local McDonald’s or Jack [off] in the Box…and probably 30% of the people I work with eat from the in building café…this food is twice as expensive as it is good. (They do offer several vegetarian and vegan options which are clearly marked…I applaud them for that, but still, the food is not tasty.)
When I bring food from home even if it is just a sandwich, people go gah-gah over it. Often I think they ask, “That looks so good, what is it?” just to find out what I am actually eating, but fuck ‘em, it does look damn good. My go-to is a 1.5 quart mixing bowl filled to the brim with lettuce, spinach, cut veggies and some kind of protein. (Salad is seriously the easiest thing in the world.) I don’t have anything against uncooked tofu, so often times I cut some into chucks and marinate it in whatever dressing I chose. Sometimes the combination of veggies/dressing/protein I choose isn’t that good, but I eat it anyway. It is food after all, and the fact remains it will nourish my body.
Other salad topping protein sources:
  • Spiced cooked lentils. Cook lentils per the package directions, use some kind of stock, or not. As they cook I add as much spice as I feel like that day, maybe some Sriracha. I haven’t tried many types of spices other than my go-to chili powder/cumin/cayenne taco meat substitute, but the ideas are endless—In fact I think I will do some kind of CAJUN spiced in the near future. Squeeze in some lime juice or adding fresh herbs (HER-BZ) is a good way to make a light fresh tasting lentil too! They go well simply, or with a follow-up sauté with your favorite cut veggies for a fajita-esk flava. (Fudge-eye-tuh) This option is packed with flavor, and I don’t typically use additional dressing. Salsa, if anything.
  • Cut Marinated Tofu : Get a block of your preferred firmness of tofu and cut off a serving into equally bite sized cubes. You can marinate it and cook it off, or eat it “raw” (tofu is made by coagulating boiled soymilk and is therefore not actually a raw food) after it has soaked in some dressing for the morning or overnight. Or don’t marinate it…What do I care?
    These Things Are Amazing
  • Marinated Soy Curls : These things are the shit! They are a dehydrated food that is packed with protein. Like Tofu, they take on whatever flavor you introduce them to. When they are rehydrated they have a sort of chicken like texture. I often make my own BBQ sauce or water down some store bought and put a serving of Soy Curls in overnight, and then microwave them for a few minutes before dumping on my salad. With this protein choice I don’t typically use additional dressing. The BBQ sauciness is plenty good.

I almost always add half an avocado to my salad. ALSO, topping your salad with fruit and nuts is tasty. If you choose to do fruits you can often forego dressing b/c the fruit juiciness will be plenty drippy yummy flavor. A shake of black pepper helps too.

Left Over Fajita Filling on Salad

Forgot Dressing...Smashed Avocado

Man, I made that sound like a lot of work. It isn’t. Just like everyone will tell you, “it just takes a little planning.” Well thanks for nothing advice-hole, if I was able to plan do you think I would be in this predicament?!?! Just like anything, it is hard at first…but you’ll get used to it.
(*Random thought: Routines are hard at first b/c they take a long ass time. But once you get the rhythm it will take significantly less time to complete everything. Think of it as a different kind of training…runners only become faster b/c they practice.)
Third and Final Step: Put whatever you eat on a plate/in a bowl.
This Jazzes Up PB&J Too
NO, your old tomato sauce stained glad-ware DOES NOT make your food look appealing. Nor does that sandwich bag do anything to jazz up your PB&J. If you have a sandwich, cut it and put it on a plate. Chances are you are eating something else along with it (carrots, chips, grapes, etc…) throw that on the plate too. Serve yourself like a restaurant would. Even if you go to McDonald’s (COLLECTIVE GASP) and pay them for that crap, put it on a plate too.
If you brought a left over hunk of casserole that you totally schmered into a pile of unrecognizable glop, confidently put it in the middle of the plate and top it with sliced avocado, drizzle with complimentary sauce, or other miscellany that makes food look fancy.  Putting it next to a side salad also does wonders. I was told many years ago by my uncle that, “the difference between an amateur and a professional is the professional knows how to cover his mistakes.” It’s true.

Tell me you don't want to eat this and I'll know you're lying.

I guarantee if you put a ‘run of the mill’ PB&J and a bunch of grapes on a plate and set it next to your co-workers fancy leftovers that they shoved thoughtlessly into a Tupperware you will go for the sandwich every time.
These three things are relatively easy and take minimal time to complete. The 5 extra minutes you spend making a lunch and organizing it onto a plate will pay dividends. You may be 7 minutes later to work, you may have to wash more bowls, but you will eat better and all the people around you will goo and gah over the schmancy meals you bring to work.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Spicy Baked Tofu

1:1 Braggs Liquid Aminos and Water 1/2 cup to a Cup each
1 TSP Dijon Mustard
1-2  TBL Ketchup
Sriracha or other hot sauce
Crushed red pepper flakes
Sugar or Agave
TOFU (I like firm…use your desired firmness)
Cut tofu into 8 slices


Whisk all ingredients (Except the TOFU, you idiot.)
Method 1:
Marinate and bake off.
350-400 for 30-40 minutes, flipping half way, or until you reach desired crispiness.
Method 2:
Line slices of tofu on sheet pan
Use a basting brush to coat slices on the top side
Bake 10 minutes
Remove from oven, flip and baste.
I usually do four 10-minute intervals for a total 40 minutes baking time. Sometimes I combine the methods...Marinate, then base with remaining marinade...It all depends on my mood and whether or not How I Met Your Mother is on.
Enjoy as a main dish with vegetables...

This is not a very good photo...but it tasted amazing...

Or my favorite, layer it between some bread with some fresh cut or roasted vegetables and smashed avocado...

The best ingredient in this sandwich was sunshine...I love eating outside.

If you ever have questions about a recipe let me know. I'll cook for anyone--Come over.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Cilantro Lime Slaw

My brother isn't really a fan of cabbage so I sometimes make slaws with lettuce instead of cabbage. Substitute any leafy greens; except'd probably just turn brown and look super gross.
Shredded Lettuce or Cabbage
Shredded Purple Cabbage
Shredded Carrots
Green Onions
Cilantro, washed and dried. CHOPPED (Some people hate it, some love as much as you want)

Vegetables : UNCUT...That is going to be the name of a silly movie. Damn! That picture is blurry.

Juice of 2 Limes
1-2 TBL Oil
Splash Apple Cider Vinegar
Pepper to taste
Get everything nice and shredded.

Whisk Lime juice, oil, vinegar and pepper. TASTE IT. If it tastes wrong, fix it.

Okie Doke. Taste it an make sure the flavors balance.  

Add shrubbery to dressing. Toss.

That looks about right.


I made it for this Enchilada Casserole...It is also tasty on tacos...

Enchilada Casserole

Looks a little something like this...
One Cup Dry Lentils
Chili Powder

Onions red/yellow/white (fresh chopped or powdered)
Garlic (fresh minced or powdered)
1-2 Bell Pepper(s)(Any Color)

Yeah, I didn't have a Yam

Large handful Mushrooms
Yam/sweet potato

Can ‘o’ Refried Beans (Black or Pinto, Kidney is good too) straight up beans is fine
I told you Un-refried Beans would be fine

Can ‘o’ Enchilada Sauce homemade is best.
Sliced Olives
Chopped Tomato
Green Onion
Tortilla chips and/or Tortillas (corn works better than flour)
Salsa, Guac, Sliced avocado, shredded lettuce… (your basic Mexican additions)

Pre Heat oven 350°
Cook Lentils according to package instructions, add a generous sprinkle of spices.
That looks about right...

Lentils are done. This happens while the vegetable cook.
Heat a pan and a bit of oil (Olive, veggie, coconut etc) over medium-ish heat.
While it gets ready chop peppers, onions, garlic, mushrooms and yam.

Toss it all in the pan. Sprinkle with desired amount of Chili Powder (1-2 tsp), Cumin (appx 1 tsp), Cheyenne (1/4-1/2 tsp). If using powdered garlic and onion toss that in too…few shakes should do.


Toss around and let the veggies cook until tender.
While the veg cooks put some lightly smooshed tortilla chips in the bottom of a baking dish.  OR grease (spray or schmere) the bottom of the baking dish and line with tortillas. (Overlap is fine, up the sides is encouraged)

Check your Lentils! Are they done yet?
Add half the enchilada sauce into the cooking veg. Should make it look saucy, if there is not enough sauce add a little water until you reach your desired sauciness. Let that get all bubbly and simmer. Should just be a few minutes...

Lentils done?
While that simmers open your beans. Drain and rinse (if not refried)

Layer half of the Lentils followed by the vegetable saucy mix. (If using refried I'd spread them directly on the tortillas first)

Tortillas up the side! Lentils Layered

Ok, That's Done.

Store Bought. Drizzled on top for Extra Saucy-osity

Add half the beans over the top of the Lentil Veggie layer.  (If using refried you should have already spread them on the tortillas.)

Layer more tortillas, remaining beans, remaining lentils and veggies.

Layer Part 2

One more layer of tortillas, spread remaining sauce over the top and sprinkle olives, tomatoes and green onion. Cilantro might be good too.

You will notice I didn't have Olives...Oh Well.

Bake it for 20 mins-1hour…depending on how long you can wait.  
Going in the Oven...

After about 35 Minutes

Then top with the ‘Basic Mexican Additions.

I made a Yummy Lime Cilantro Lettuce Slaw and added Avocado


Kale Slaw

I don’t have many pictures of this recipe…I made this on a very large scale and in a hurry. I scaled the recipe down for normal humans. The photos below are 4X the recipe. I will update soon with some photos of a regular sized batch!
Bunch ‘o’ Kale
1/4 Head Red Cabbage
Handful or 2 Shredded Carrots (I’m lazy and bought pre-shredded)
1ish cups Roasted Unsalted Sunflower Seeds (Hulled, obviously. Toasted almonds are good too)
1+ cups Raisins (Regular or Golden…I can never find bulk golden)
1/2 cup Vegenaise
1/3  cup Apple Cider Vinegar
1tbl or so Sugar or Agave
Some Powdered Garlic
Black Pepper to taste

Remove stems from Kale (I like to hold the end and pull down the length of the stem to remove the leaves; like you do with rosemary)
Wash and let dry. (It is important to have dry lettuces when making any salad so the dressing will stick. If you leave it all wet the dressing just slides off!)
Shred Kale
Shred Cabbage
In a large bowl (large so there is room to stir) mix the kale, carrots and cabbage. Make sure there is a good balance of colors.
Drop in the Seeds and Raisins
In a med bowl add remaining ingredients WHISK!!
Taste the dressing. It should have a tart zing with a sweet aftertaste. Play with the balance; I mix it up differently every time. It should be liquid, not thick .
 Pour over the Greens ‘n’ things. Mix.
This salad is good super fresh, but if left in the fridge overnight the kale will get softer and absorb more of the flavor. It will make the salad less raw-kaley but still have great crunch.

Who ordered the Gi-mung-ous bowl of Kale Slaw??

Ready for the close up...

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Woman Post

This is going to be all over the place, but fuck it.

 I’m a girl. Some people might say woman…but based on my inner attitude I consider myself a girl, young adult at the most. It is not because I don’t think I am mature, more so because I don’t want to be. I am a huge kid. I just want to play outside, ride bikes, sail boats, get dirty, get sweaty, and go barefoot…I am kind of a klutz, not for lack of coordination, but rather, I get too excited to pay attention. I am constantly covered in bruises…it doesn’t bother me. I like to think I am hardcore.   

Actual Winning
I have always been this way. As a kid I ran track and cross country then picked it up again in high school. I did Cheerleading too. My main sport was softball, I played from age 5 until I graduated college. I worked my ass off and loved being a part of a team. In my final years we were able to accomplish everything I had spent 15+ years working toward. It was an incredible thing that 90% of the population will never understand or have the opportunity to be a part of. Playing this sport, the first thing people always ask is if I am a lesbian. There is nothing wrong with being a lezbo, but I get fucking tired of people associating the two. (It isn’t the same as men who wear white sunglasses.) Liking or being good sports does not a lesbian make. This happens a lot in women’s sports. It’s annoying. FUCK GENDER ROLES. 
Fuck "Battle of the Sexes," let's just battle

Often the source of the question is from fellows, some ladies too. People are so fucking weird. I have a large variety of interests. I realize stereotypes wouldn’t exist if there was no basis for them, but making assumptions based on a single quality a person possesses is stupid, and does people a disservice; especially yourself. It is important to discriminate against people for who they are, not who you assume them to be. Pigeon-holing is bullshit. If you write people off because of single qualities I guarantee you are going to miss out on some great relationships, whether personal or business related.
I have other qualities that probably put me in the butch/dyke bucket. Off the top of my head: I am one of the most insanely competitive people on earth, I don’t care about your mani/pedi date with so and so, I don’t complain when the weather is cold/hot/rainy/dry/perfect, I find the problems and discussions of most women so fucking boring, weddings don’t make me cry, periods gross me out, I don’t know if I’d be a good mom, and the inseam of my shorts is longer than half an inch…but the one quality I am seriously lacking that would make me a great lesbian is liking women…weird how that works.
Just because I am athletic and don’t give a fuck about your problems does not mean I am attracted women. It probably means I get along with most men better than the majority of women. In an effort to get along better with all people I try to limit my discussion of the things listed above. Not because thoughts on those topics don’t swim around in my mind, but because they aren’t interesting…at all. I am boring myself now thinking about thinking about them. I suppose people mistake my “I don’t give a fuck” attitude for lesbianism, when I’m really just kind of a bitch. I accept that. My way of managing such things is to remain politely aloof; act like I don’t care so
A) I won’t, and
B) People will think I don’t

My former boss

I never felt held back because I am female. My über competitive nature has nothing to do with masculinity and everything to do with my desire to be the best at everything all the time. No one ever told me I couldn’t do certain things because of my gender, so I never thought that way; still don’t. I was 24 years old before I experienced blatant sexism. (Maybe I never paid attention before that, who knows?) I worked in an office with a lot of rich old white men (STEREOTYPE!!) and they assumed that because I was a woman, that I was an assistant. I was not…I got a college degree and was using it. I never made a big deal about this mistake…I let the assumption run its course and surprised the fools later when introduced with my title while handing off important financial information. Instead of wasting energy feeling insulted, I allowed the culprit to feel like a dumbass.
I grew up in a household of 6 females (including me) and 2 males; I am the fourth of 6 children. (Since the obvious question you all have floating in your mind is: “Are you Catholic?” I answer. YES) Most people would assume that our house was filled to the brim with Barbies, baby dolls, clothes, high heals, barrettes, princess crowns, and other super girly stuff. It was—Half way. The other half was bikes, balls, Frisbees, and sneakers. As a group we spent half the time outside playing giant games of freeze tag, keep away, going on bike rides, climbing on the roof of the house, and running around in the dark dressed in all black playing commando. The other half was spent playing Barbies and “House” training ourselves on how to become adults. (My brother didn’t really play Barbies so much as his G.I. Joes launched surprise attacks; bombing the civilian residences while capturing sexy female prisoners.)

G.I. Joe: Sexing Barbie since the 1950's
 At the time I found it to be annoying, but it taught me that in life I’ll spend a bunch of time getting things exactly the way I want them, and then someone else will come fuck it all up. This, along with the advice of my parents, is where I learned that yelling and screaming doesn’t help, the damage was done. You can complain, OR you can brush out the sex hair G.I. Joe gave Barbie and realign her 60 pairs of shoes, then move on. This technique works in the real world also.

I understand how lucky I am to have grown up in a situation where the sky was the limit. I find it is important to think beyond the standard associations. The lesson here is to notice that the lines are drawn in the sand…The idea is when you step back you’ll realize we’re all just chilling on a huge beach. Enjoy it. And quit calling female athletes lesbians. I hate this post. Rant Over.